Rachel’s Thoughts: Satire: US Security

I wrote this for my Lit class. 🙂 …

Illegal immigrants. Drugs. Terrorists. Mexicans. Canadians. Soviets. Germans. Iranians.


The government is afraid of all of it. Hence the tight borders and rigorous policing of said borders. Nuns get patted down at airports. Handicapped children’s wheelchairs are searched. Old women with metal hips cause delays and annoyance for security guards, and woe to anyone who tries to bring their own water bottle into the terminal. You’re traveling home from the funeral with your inheritance, a set of twelve full silver place settings? A likely reason for carrying a dozen knives. Full-body scanners have been installed at most major airports, an incredible invasion of privacy to be addressed at some other time.

Suffice it to say, the United States of America is highly safety-conscious. Seat belts. Speed limits. Airbags. Flotation devices disguised as airplane cushions. How much money do we spend each year paying security people to dig through travelers’ underwear looking for bombs or guns disguised as perfume? The primary reason for this is the September 11 incident, one of the biggest strikes of terrorism against the United States. A worthy reason and a just cause, to be sure, but one that has spawned incredibly ineffective counter-measures. Our defenses are just as flawed as they ever were—terrorists are devious, villainous, diabolical, and downright sneaky.

Americans are getting annoyed. People are dying in droves while we’re stuck in line with plastic bins and no shoes, trying to get all the liquids out of our purses and into little plastic baggies so they can go through the scanner. Terror is still striking, and America is still defenseless.

Only one thing can be done.

Improve our security with drastic measures. No longer will there be irate retired men missing their flights because their suitcases were an inch too long to fit beneath their seats, and no longer will shampoo bottles longer than three inches be banned from carry-ons.

We are fighting a radical, ruthless, and unrelenting enemy. Our walls must be impenetrable, whether by bombs concealed in babies’ diapers or by French nuns with suspicious habits.

The solution is not just fifteen-foot barbed-wire fences stretching across the border from Florida to California and from New York to Washington, embedded in a five-hundred-foot concrete bed that descends into the dirt to stop tunnels; the solution is also a massive iron fence beneath the sea, running exactly sixty miles out to sea from Washington to California, and New York to Florida. America must be boxed in with an impenetrable palisade of protection.

No more products from China. No more terrorists from the Middle East. No more illegal Mexicans, destroying our nation with their foods and language. Never again will innocent old people with synthetic limbs wreak havoc with the metal detectors. No more international flights.

If terrorists come, they must find a new way in. And they will find one; if we wish to prevent the deaths of an infinite number of Americans in the future, we must remain one step ahead of them.

There must be gates, to be sure; but nothing can come in, even technology. The United States must be completely independent; no one can come in, and no one can go out because what goes out, as we know, comes in. And if something comes in, it can be stolen and replaced with a deadly gift before it gets here. No commerce, no trade, no politics; no wars. No foreign invasions by things even as seemingly harmless as foreign languages.

No satellites over the US. We must be completely isolated, entirely devoid of contact with the outer world. This is the only way to ensure complete peace from external forces.

In addition to this, a force field should be added, creating a dome above the United States. This force field would serve as a shield from missiles, a jammer for signals of all kinds, from international radios to satellite images, and would also provide incredible room for technological advancement. It would enable complete climate control once our scientists adapted to working only from within the United States, and developed a method of installing a powering device along the borders of the Boundaries. Climate control would help our independence by allowing us to raise whatever crops we wanted, wherever and whenever we needed them—no longer would we rely on the fickle passions of the weather gods. Weathermen would no longer be abused as liars and false prophets.

The force field would not only serve as a shield from large-scale attacks such as air raids and long-range weaponry, but also from small bands of infiltrators, as well as invasions by wolves from Canada. Terrorists don’t come with banners and paparazzi announcing their presence. They sneak in through the cracks—but with a force field shielding our beloved homeland, there would be no cracks. There would be no way in—and for those terrorists trapped inside, there would be no escape from our justice.

Another benefit to isolation would be the creation of a whole host of new jobs as Americans are forced to do their own work instead of making the Chinese do it for them. Trade between states would increase dramatically, leading to better unity between the states. Education and imagination would rise, and Americans would band together to become the greatest, albeit inbred power they could become in the next few hundred years before a new system can be devised to serve the same protective purpose without limiting inter-cultural research, science, and trade.

However, as excellent as such an idea may be, until it is put into practice, we must be content to protect our country as successfully as Sisyphus pushes boulders up his hill in Hades. Despite the obvious practicality of the isolation plan, the American government has not yet come around to as firm a faith in its success as that of its creators; however, certain indications have been given that the United States government is beginning to take it more seriously, and high hopes may be maintained that it will be put into effect within the next few decades. Until then, keep getting to the airport early!


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